The Perfect Husband

["The Ottawa Leader," 27 May 1880, page 5 column 4]

Young husbands, as soon as the matrimonial noose is tied, leave off by degrees all those nice little civilities and attentions which made you so pleasant and agreeable to your lady loves in the days of courtship. Do not fail to mention every fault and imperfection you discover in your wife's disposition, which of course you must give her to understand you did not know she possessed, or she would never become your wife; and when in company pay more attention to ever other lady than you do to her. Expatiate largely on the beauty and merits of a certain lady friend of yours whom you once thought of addressing. In after years, as your household treasures increase, leave all the care and worry of them to her; never offer to lighten her burdens by amusing the little ones when you are about the house; take to your book or paper and require each little child to keep quiet and let you read. If they fail to obey, scold them and whip them soundly and wonder why she does not teach them to mind when spoken to. When the baby is teething, or James has the croup, retire early to rest, leaving her alone with the wide awake sufferers; and while she administers medicine (spilling half for want of some one to assist), then walks with it in her tired arms up and down the floor until ready to faint, then rocks it and rubs it, while it screams continue to pierce her mother heart like arrows, you sleep on unmindful of its physical suffering or her weariness and anguish, even if she call you anon more loudly each time, until in despair she gives up all hope of arousing you. Continue to follow these instructions ten years, and if your wife's heart is not as cold as an iceberg toward you at the end of that time, you may rest assured that she has a spark of insanity to her composition.